Every month, the "Romance Reverend" shares her sage insights on relationships and getting ready for soulful love!  Send your questions to RomanceRev@SoulfulLiving.com.

Nourish Yourself on a Date For One

I feel so needy when I am out with someone. I can’t seem to relax and just enjoy the person; I am always worried about whether this guy is "the one." Can you suggest a way to lighten up and enjoy meeting new people? Samantha, Queens, New York

Make sure to nourish and nurture yourself. This will help diffuse the pressure you feel about dating. When you feel nourished, you have fewer expectations of others meeting your needs and fewer incidences of disappointment and worry if a particular person does not give you what you are searching for. On the road to romance we have to feed our own souls along the way and become our own best partners. Take time to give yourself whatever it is you hope to receive from another.

In the eighties, I covered a weekend workshop called Basic Sensuality (taught by MORE University) and the Saturday night assignment was a date with ourselves. We were told to treat ourselves as "visiting diplomats," and give to ourselves whatever we would offer to another on a Saturday night date—champagne, flowers, dancing. It was a very interesting experiment. People reported the next day how difficult it was to get started—no one was used to giving so much love and attention to themselves—and yet how much fun it became once they got the hang of it.

A date with ones self is a powerful metaphor for self-nourishment. We give so much to others, why be stingy with ourselves? I encourage you to incorporate an aspect of this idea into your life. Pick something that you are hoping and praying you will experience with your beloved when you finally meet, and agree to give it to yourself. When you are generous with yourself, you will have fewer needs for others to fill.

For example, perhaps you dream of a mate who will treat you like Cleopatra and lovingly bathe you and nurture you like a Queen. Be a Queen for a day—or for several hours a week—and pamper yourself. It doesn’t matter that Marc Anthony has not yet arrived… buy beautiful candles, scented oils, flowers. Draw a bath. Play relaxing and sensual music. Slip into the warm water, daydream and allow yourself to bask in the energy of love. I cannot tell you how much a simple act of self-love will bring you closer to receiving such pampering from another. Subconsciously, it gives the mind an impression that you are someone who deserves royal treatment and who is willing to be nurtured like a Queen; and energetically it creates a "signature" in your auric field that this is what a loving relationship will include for you. And at the most basic level—a nice warm bath with candles is very relaxing and it gives you a chance to meditate… and get a new perspective on life.

A bath is just one way to take a sacred moment to honor yourself. You can also light a candle and some incense and take 15 minutes to relax in a favorite chair. You can take yourself to a movie, out to dinner, or to a museum exhibit you’ve been meaning to see. The best way to keep your soul nourished is to create an ongoing environment for this nourishment. Many of us take time out for ourselves just once in awhile and we neglect to create the foundation for ongoing revitalization. To create this sacred container for self-love and care, carve out time and put things in order so that you can access these experiences regularly. This may mean keeping your favorite bath oil and candles on hand at all times… or ensuring that you have several hours a week alone, to yourself. Think of it this way… if you were dating, wouldn’t you go out of your way to make dates and focus attention on the relationship? Do it for yourself, first… this sets the groundwork for a beloved to then come in and love you well—as well as you are loving yourself.

She’s Off the Radar

I met a woman a few months ago while on a business trip and we really hit it off. She was in another state, and so we kept in touch by e-mail. Our communication got less frequent and one day she said she just didn’t want to be in touch anymore, no explanation. She disappeared off the radar and won’t return my e-mails. It was no great love affair, but I am so bummed. And I am going nuts, not knowing what I did. Am I supposed to just let it go? –Paul, from Jersey City, New Jersey

Although she didn’t give a reason, and although she didn’t bring your cyber friendship to a close in a kind way, sounds like she was clear about not wanting to be in touch.

There could be many reasons why a person would decide to sever communications, and it could be none of them have to do with you. I wouldn’t take it personally. When all is said and done, without further communication from her, it’s hard to know what motivated her decision or what is up in her world. I tend to see life’s little relationship mysteries as clues from the universe: its time to move on… this is not meant to be. It’s important to acknowledge how bummed out, and even hurt, you may feel; and you are within your rights to be angry. But higher wisdom tells me that the reason for this will reveal itself at some point, later. Who knows, maybe she was not a cool person to continue communicating with… maybe an old boyfriend showed up… maybe she was occupying a space in your life that is now meant to open to that great love affair!

This is a good time to trust. Consider that if she and you are meant to be in touch again, something will reconnect you. There is a spiritual principle that seems very helpful here: Everyone who comes into your life is there for a reason. There is an ancient Hebrew expression that also seems helpful: Ha Col Beseder… it means all is in divine order. It may look like you have been ditched, but it could also be that you have been given an opportunity. Perhaps there is some divine plan to your short-lived relationship, but you may also discover some practical and spiritual insight about it all.

It is always challenging to find closure in a case where the other person bolts, with no communication, but I think it’s important to try. I wouldn’t contact her to hash it out—not at this juncture anyway. Ask yourself: Who was she to me? What have I learned? What gifts has she given? Take a moment to thank her, wherever she is, for all she has brought you. Whether it is two minutes or two years, we all bestow special gifts on one another and in our interactions. It will be up to you to figure out what those gifts are.

I believe that every step on our path lead us to the next. Perhaps she was someone who helped you reach a certain point and who now will step out of the picture because her role in your life has come to conclusion. She may resurface with an explanation in weeks to come, probably at a point when you are feeling less attached to the whole experience.

© Copyright 2001 Reverend Laurie Sue Brockway  All Rights Reserved. 

Read Reverend Laurie Sue's Past Columns:

February 2001 - "Get Ready for Soulful Love"