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On Finding Myself Middle
Aged
With No Role Model I Could Relate To Because I was not a
Crone
by Donna Henes
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Although I have been passionately devoted to the Many
Splendored Goddess in her complex multiplicity for more
than thirty years now, I am not a believer in the Triple
Goddess paradigm. It has never resonated with me because
it belies what I believe to be the true nature of
nature. The Triple Goddess in all of her phases is
widely understood to represent the complete cyclical
wholeness of life. She Who is Three is likened to the
moon, the tides, and the seasons, whose mutability She
mirrors. And therein, lies the rub. I am sorry, but
thirty years of researching, teaching and writing about
Celestially Auspicious Occasions, the cycles of the
cosmos and the seasons, and the multi-cultural ritual
expressions that they inspire, I can state unequivocally
that the moon has four quarters, not three, and that
there are, as well, four seasons in the year.
For millennia, the three faces of the Triple Goddess
have, In fact, accurately reflected the stages of women’s
lives — the developing youth, the nurturing mother and
the wise old woman. She still corresponds with the real
life expectancy and experience of most women in the
world even today who live pretty much as they always
have. The reality of their existence dictates that they
grow quickly through girlhood into early and prolonged
maternity then, if they are lucky enough to survive
multiple childbirths and general poverty, they pass
through menopause directly into a premature old age.
Photographs of my own grandmother when she was younger
than I am now, picture a matronly looking lady with the
Old Worldly, stately countenance of a grandmother, a
bubby, an abuela — a full decade before I was born.
Part of her elderly appearance is purely the style of
the period, the rest a reflection of her hard life and
times.
While certainly there is still much to learn from
these models, the old triple-header construct is no
longer all-inclusive. It doesn’t include a description
of my life or the lives of other contemporary women in
their middle years living in modern developed countries.
It does not address our issues and needs, nor does it
embrace our unique and unprecedented position. It does
not even recognize our existence. The old stereotypes
simply do not apply to us. We have outgrown our tenure
as Maidens and as Mothers, yet old age no longer follows
immediately after menopause, which is why so many middle
age women see themselves as Crones. Where is the
authentic archetype for us? There are now, for the first
time in herstory and history combined, entire
multi-national generations of women for whom the Triple
Goddess paradigm no longer resonates. For us — nearly
50 million climacteric women in the United States alone
— the tri-level ideal is flawed.
Folk tales and historical documents featuring
positive depictions of powerful middle age female
figures are few and far between. There is no codified
body of literature to which we can turn for affirmative
examples of profound and potent mid life. Real life role
models are sparse, as well, although there certainly
have always been, in every society, notable and
remarkable exceptions — powerful middle aged women who
were rulers, adventurers, artists, entrepreneurs,
scientists — mature, glamorous and courageous sheroes
of all stripes. The popular media has typically
portrayed menopausal women as over-the-hill,
overwrought, flakes or furies, completely undesirable in
either case. So who are we supposed to be? And who can
teach us how?
We occupy a truly unique position, poised on the
brink of uncharted waters. This extended and vigorous
mid-life period which we are now beginning to experience
is largely unaccounted for in myth and archetype for the
simple reason that such longevity has never before
occurred for the great masses of women as a whole. We
desperately need a new body of role models, examples,
and teachers to encourage us as we explore the
unfamiliar terrain of our changing lives and create new
and joyful ways of being in charge of our own destiny.
Clearly it is time for a change of paradigm. Which is
as it should be. Life is about nothing if not change,
which is, after all, the greatest teaching of the
cyclical Goddess. Her power and inspiration lies in Her
infinite flexibility, Her adept adaptability, Her
unbounded ability to always change. The Great Goddess,
supreme mistress of the art of transformation will
surely respond to the changes in our lives and times by
enlarging the vision of Herself to include her fourth
dimension, and ours. The Great Goodess is, even now,
beginning to expand to include us in Her archetypal
embrace.
In the absence of a traditional mythic example to
spur me on and sustain me, I perceived the need to
invent one. So I formulated a fourth stage of
development that would place me after the Mother and
before the Crone in a newly defined continuum of
Womanhood, thus providing me and other women of my
generation with a recognizable role model for our middle
years: The Four Fold Goddess: The Maiden, the Mother,
The Queen and the Crone.
My construct of the four stages of a woman’s life
is a much more accurate description of the current Way
of Womanhood. Her four periods of growth and
transformation, expounded upon here, resonate deeply
with contemporary women. And they seem so natural,
somehow. They are in complete metaphoric alignment with
the pervasive way that peoples have always ordered
existence into Four Quarters. The Four Quarters of the
Moon, the Four Seasons of the Year, the Four Solstices
and Equinoxes, the Four Elements, the Four Cardinal
Directions of the Earth, the Four Periods of the Day.
Is this hubris? Who am I to challenge an archetype
that has been so powerful for so long? Well, I am, in
fact, a proud member of the pioneering Sixties
Generation, and consequently, I had a certain amount of
experience in rebelling against the status quo of old
archetypes and striving to replace them with new, more
inclusive and relevant ones. Our generation has
demonstrated time and again that it is possible to
create our own characters, compose our own scripts and
author the sagas of our own lives. We are our own role
models. Bereft of affirming depictions of our lives,
today’s women-of-a-certain-age are more than ready,
willing and perfectly capable of creating our own.
The mythic model that I envision is recognizably like
me, like us. Not yet old, yet no longer young, she
stands in her proper place — after the Mother and
before the Crone — in No Woman’s Land. She plants
her flag and claims her space in this previously
uncharted mid life territory. Still active and sexy,
vital with the enthusiasm and energy of youth, she is
tempered with the hard earned experience and leavening
attitudes of age. She has been forced to face and
overcome obstacles and hard lessons including her own
shadow, and in so doing, has outgrown the boundaries of
her old self. Agitated with the unessential and restless
for authenticity, She sheds all attachment to the
opinions of others and accepts complete responsibility
and control. She is the Queen of Her Self, the mature
monarch, the sole sovereign of Her own life and destiny.
Here, finally, is an archetype that fits.
The Queen paradigm promotes a new understanding of
what it might mean to be a middle-aged woman today who
accepts full responsibility for and to her self, and it
celebrates the physical, emotional and spiritual rewards
of doing so. Becoming a Queen is not automatic. The
Queen bursts forth from adversity and previous
constraints, actual or imagined, to become a proficient
player in the game plan of Her choice. The Queen does
not invite hard times and trouble, but She chooses to
use them well. Actualized, organized, efficient,
self-sufficient, competent, ethical and fair, the Queen
has struggled for and earned Her authority and respect.
Determined and firmly centered on Her own two feet, she
dares to climb, step after step, with nascent surety
into the heady realm of her own highest sovereignty.
Once on her throne and crowned, the Queen glows
golden with confidence, competence and grace. She is
fully aroused and takes great pleasure in the feelings
of freedom, elation and wellbeing that come from
personal empowerment. This thrilling post-menopausal
period of vitality, renewed energy, enhanced
self-esteem, optimism and enthusiasm comes to us in
direct proportion to the intensity of our own conscious
engagement in the process and consequences of
transformation. Another gift of self-enfranchisement is
the potent and extremely liberating sexuality of the
Queen. Shining from the inside out, Her attractiveness
and attraction is rooted deeply in Her
self-actualization, self-worth and inner strength. She
exudes a primal excitement, Her power palpable in her
very presence.
It was through my own process of coming of age that I
conceived of the Queen as the missing link in the chain
of life for modern women in the here-to-fore incomplete
Triple Goddess archetype. Through my own intentions and
concerted efforts, by constantly questioning and
reconfiguring, by struggling to mourn and then release
what was irrevocably lost, I was recovering my own
misplaced vitality, interest and energy — and then
some — after the long hard years of my mid life
changes.
Finally completely self-realized, I was ready and
able, and for the first time in my life, I was actually,
consciously, conscientiously willing to reign; to
accept the responsibility for my own care and feeding
and the truth and complete consequences of my own
dreams, decisions, and actions. I was a maturing monarch
prepared to regulate all of the inner and outer realms
of my own domain. By the time I reached 53 or so, I knew
myself to be the uncontested mistress of my own fate.
Miraculously, it seemed, I had succeeded in turning my
mid life crisis into my diamond-encrusted crowning
achievement. Surely I was a Queen, and not a Crone. I
was the Queen of My Self.
When I first began conceptualizing the Queen, I
dreamt of a ceremonial crowning. My dreamtime punster
made herself proud as she at once confirmed my passage
as through the birth canal into a new life, and
acknowledged my newly earned sovereign station — both
in a single, concise and vivid image. In this moving
Crowning Ceremony, I ascended the throne of my passion
and power and pledged my self to myself. Always aware of
the promise of that dramatic nocturnal ordination, I
have worn my crown of self-confidence ever since. The
more I think about the Queen, the more I become her. And
the more Queenly I become, the more I desire to be in
the company of other Queens.
As long as I live, I will have control over
my being — you find the spirit of Caesar in
me.
--Artemisia Gentileschi
Italian painter
1593-1652
Long Live the Queens!
© Copyright 2003
Donna Henes. All Rights
Reserved.
Excerpted from her book, The Queen of My Self:
Stepping into Sovereignty in Mid Life, Avalon
Publishing May 2004.
Donna Henes, Urban Shaman, is the editor and publisher of the highly
acclaimed quarterly, Always In Season: Living In Sync with the Cycles. She is
also the author of Moon Watcher's Companion, Celestially Auspicious
Occasions: Seasons, Cycles and Celebrations and Dressing Our Wounds In Warm
Clothes, as well as the CD, Reverence To Her: Mythology, The Matriarchy & Me.
In 1982, she composed the first (and to this date, the only) satellite peace
message in space: "chants for peace * chance for peace."
Mama Donna, as she is affectionately known, has offered lectures, workshops,
circles, and celebrations worldwide for 30 years. She is the director of Mama
Donna's Tea Garden & Healing Haven, a ceremonial center, ritual consultancy
and spirit shop in Exotic Brooklyn, New York.
For further information, a list of services and publications, a calendar of
upcoming events and a complimentary issue of Always in Season: Living in Sync
with the Cycles. contact:
MAMA DONNA'S TEA GARDEN AND HEALING HAVEN
PO Box 380403
Exotic Brooklyn, NY 11238-0403
Phone/Fax 718-857-2247
Email: CityShaman@aol.com
www.DonnaHenes.net
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