Marry Yourself First... by Rev. Laurie Sue Brockway

Wedding Goddess

"To fall in love with yourself is the first secret to happiness."
--Robert Morely

There is nothing in the world that beats the feeling of falling in love and being in love! Many of us fantasize of meeting our perfect match and being swept off our feet...yet more and more of us think of relationships as a life partnership that gives us sustenance and allow us to share our selves and our love in a deep and soulful way. We long for a strong and happy union and marriage, as well as a home life that offers security and is sturdy enough to be the foundation for all else we do in the world.

With so many people expressing so much desire for true love, why are so many still searching? Why do many people fear love may never come? The reasons are many, and as complex as each individual who desires true love. Yet in my 25 years of experience as a journalist specializing in relationships, and then a minister, wedding officiant and spiritual counselor, there are two things that crop up time and time again. One is that many people tend to think magically about love without doing the practical and emotional work to draw a relationship to them … and keep it healthy and alive. And second is that many of us skip important steps to creating the relationship of their dreams by forgetting the cardinal rule of love relationships -- in order to experience genuine, mature love with another, we first must love ourselves.

I have said it before and I will stress it again: Your first stop on the road to romance is with You! Looking for love externally, and even finding someone who seems to adore you, can be a fleeting thing if you do not have a strong foundation of self-esteem and if you do not continually empower your own sense of self-worth. It is the esteem of one’s self and honoring of oneself that opens the door to another to do the same. I believe this is a spiritual law that guides the world of love relationships.

I’ve witnessed regularly what is possible for women, and men, when they do the work on themselves that allows them to connect with another human being on a deep and soulful level. I see it in women who have worked on tapping into The Goddess Within and who have begun to see themselves as divine and hence are treated that way. I have seen it in men who, once unsure of themselves and shy, realize that they are worthy of the love of a wonderful woman. I see it all the time in the couples that step up to the altar on their wedding day and truly connect to one another’s souls with the deepest kind of love and communion as they speak their wedding vows to one another.

How do they do it? There is no magic pill. It is a combination of taking the steps to changes one’s self image and negative beliefs about love and commitment, and the sheer power of the universe, which will always work with you when you are working on yourself! Sometimes, it helps to fake it until your make it. I don’t mean that you should be inauthentic, I just mean it cannot hurt to "act out" the new way of being you would like to create … and do what kids do when they are trying to learn how to master things in the world. They pretend and play act. Play acting self esteem and love is not a goofy thing, it can actually be an empowering way to retrain your subconscious mind to agree that, "YES, I AM worthy of love, happiness and a great relationship with self, as well as others."

A Self Love Ceremony

There are many steps to the practical and emotional work that any one of us may be called to do in a lifetime and I advocate that you take all the steps you must to make yourself the best you can be, and to prepare for love in a sensible and soulful way. In addition to the more mundane and sometimes emotionally demanding tasks of getting ready for love, ritual helps to give us a head start on any life project. That’s why marriage ceremonies are so important. They create the sacred container for our goals and dreams; they give power to our aspirations for a loving lifetime relationship. They set the stage for how a couple in love will handle the challenges of relationships as they navigate the waters of life together. If you want to make a powerful statement about your readiness for love...marry yourself first.

Although it is not a legally binding ceremony, there is no rule that says you cannot evoke the energy of love, commitment and devotion in a wedding ceremony for one. Be a Goddess for A Day, or a God, and ceremoniously commit yourself heart and soul to yourself. Your willingness to take such a strong stand for love in your life will create miracles in all area of your life, for a self-marriage ceremony like any other big ceremony, is an initiation to a new way of being.

When I teach relationship readiness seminars, I have people look into a mirror into their own eyes and recite vows to them selves. This is after they have gone through a process of treating themselves like divine beings, and have relaxed into a blissful feeling of appreciation of self. The following is an abbreviated version, just to get you started.

(There’s a very powerful exercise and ceremony in the chapter "Be The Ultimate Self Love Goddess With Venus" in A Goddess Is A Girl’s Best Friend: A Divine Guide To Finding Love, Success and Happiness, Perigee Books, December 2002, which I suggest you check out as well).

Preparation: For this ceremony, you will need: Ample time alone, something wonderful to wear, candle, flowers, paper or journal and pen, a mirror, music and "first dance song", celebratory food and libation (a glass of wine or grape juice is fine), anything else you would like to include.

1. Clean house and make sure things are neat and comfortable before hand.
2. Prepare a "reception", comprised of a libation and favorite meal or whatever would be pleasing (alcohol not required). You can prepare it prior to the ceremony or plan on celebrating by ordering in. Have everything you need ready and handy (even it its only a menu to your favorite take out place). It is recommended that you stay home and bask in the energy of your experience rather that going out dancing or out to eat.
3. Shower or bathe, and dress up. You can buy yourself something beautiful, new and fitting for a bride or groom for the occasion, or just wear something that makes you feel good.
4. Play music that inspires you and opens your heart as you prepare the wedding altar – in your living room or on a small table in your bedroom.
5. Include a candle and flowers on the altar if possible.
6. Be prepared to write – in a journal or on plain paper.
7. Have a full sized mirror or hand held mirror handy.
8. Make sure you have undisturbed time alone and begin.

1. Light a candle and bring light into the room.
2. Say a brief prayer if it feels comfortable: Divine Spirit of All There Is, please fill this place with your sacred presence. Support me in my efforts to express my love fore self. Help me see my own divinity. Amen.
3. Sit down and meditate on the qualities you desire in a mate. Daydream about your wedding day to come and the vows you would like another to say to you, and that you would like to pledge to another.
4. Write down three (or more) vows that are personally meaningful to you: "I will promise to love you through all time… I promise to love myself so that I can more fully receive your love … I am honored to have you in my life … I adore you … I love your strength and wisdom … etc."
5. When you feel ready, look into the mirror and connect with your own eyes and read the vows to yourself. It may be uncomfortable at firs but you can transcend that. Know that your self-love vows will send a powerful message to the universe that you are ready for love!
6. Celebrate your union with self with a sip of wine.
7. Play the music of that "first dance," the one you hope to share with your beloved someday. Dance … and feel the love.

It is not part of our common experience to think of marrying ourselves first … we are more likely to dream of a wedding with someone wonderful. Marry yourself first and you will have married someone wonderful!!!!

© Copyright 2003 Reverend Laurie Sue Brockway  All Rights Reserved. 

Rev. Laurie Sue Brockway is a non-denominational wedding officiant, who regularly marries couples in love. She is also widely recognized as a bridal stress expert devoted to helping brides-to-be tap into their inner power and poise. She is co-facilitator of The Bridal Survival Club for The New York Wedding Group and author of WEDDING GODDESS: A Divine Guide To Transforming Wedding Stress into Wedding Bliss (Perigee Books, May 2005). Visit her at www.WeddingGoddess.com and www.LaurieSueBrockway.net.

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